Unexpected
by HanaTohruShipperMorgan
Summary: Kyou x Tohru, Tohru x ?. Well. This is unexpected. The first chapter isn't humorous, but... Well, you'll have to see. Used to be romance, but chapters 3 through 5 seem to make it a parody.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Notes: This may take a day or two to update, depending on my homework, but it won't take as long as "Why her?" or anything, never fear!

* * *

"Tohru," Kyou says, fingers shaking, "I-I need to talk to you." 

"Umm, alright," I say, confused. I wonder what he wants to tell me. He's been acting kind of odd lately, always blushing and mumbling. But that's okay. I love him so much. He's one of my very best friends, you know. Kyou, Yuki, Uo and Hana. I love them all SO much. They're always so nice to me!

Anyway, we're out on the roof -- Kyou was up there thinking again and I came up to give him his dinner -- and the stars are beautiful above us. Maybe Kyou can tell me some more of the constellations. I turn to face Kyou, but have to lean in a bit to see his face. It's very dark out, but I think he's blushing again.

"I, well, you see, I sort of… I, I… I l-love…" I wait patiently for Kyou to put the words all in order. It's so troublesome sometimes, especially for me. Unless I'm quoting Mom, of course.

"I love you!" Kyou shouts, "I want to be with you forever and never let you go! I want to protect you and talk with you and I love you so much I could burst!"

…What?

"Oh!" I smile brightly, finally understanding, "I get it! We are very wonderful friends, aren't we?"

His face falls. I wonder why. Doesn't he want to be friends with me?

"No, Tohru, I-- I mean, I love… I love you."

He's quieter now and looks sort of shell-shocked.

"I love you too, Kyou! I think you're one of my very best--"

Kissing me. Kyou is kissing me.

Why?

Why is he-- Oh. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. He doesn't love me as a friend, he-- Oh no. This is terrible. I thought that…

My mouth opens in surprise, and he puts his tongue in my mouth. Ew. In an instant, I leap away.

"No, no, no, no," I whisper. This can't be happening. We're friends. FRIENDS. No. Just, no.

"Tohru?" he says softly, looking scared, "I, I didn't mean--"

I need to get away. I can't be here. But we're friends.

"We're friends, Kyou. Why did you…? Why would…? Does Yuki, too?" I whisper, horrified, "Aren't we all friends? I, I thought--"

I can't take it. We're friends. This is going to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone. We're friends. Just friends.

Off the roof, down the ladder, into the woods.

"Tohru!" he yells after me, and he starts to run too, but I keep going.

"No! We're friends!" I scream back, but he catches me by the arm, "No no no!"

"Tohru, Tohru, I'm sorry! Forget that--"

"No, no, let me go!"

When we smile together, are we friends? How long has he thought of me like that? Why?

"Tohru, no, I'm--"

I need to get away. I turn around, he bumps into me, there's a boom, and I run away from the wide-eyed orange kitty cat.

_"I've always loved the cat from the zodiac!"_

What did he think I meant? That I wanted to hug him and kiss him because I loved him? I love him. He loves me. We're friends, just friends. Not girlfriend and boyfriend. We can't be. We're friends, like brother and sister, not, not--

Hana's house. She can help me. Maybe she can explain it to them.

I knock on the door frantically, but Hana is already opening it. I jump on her, hugging her, crying.

"Tohru, Tohru, what's wrong?" she murmurs, alarmed, stroking my hair.

"Kyou, he, he--"

"What did he do?"

"He kissed me! He said he loved me! He doesn't think we're friends, he, he thinks--" I can't finish.

"Shh, shh, it's alright Tohru. It's fine. I understand. Want me to go explain it to them?"

I nod. I know I should say, 'No, no, that's fine, I can tell them, don't go to the trouble' but I really don't think I can right now.

I end up staying the night at Hana's. Uo comes over too, and stays the night with us. I can't go back just yet. Not to a house of male not-friends. They don't understand at all!

The next morning, we go back. I hide behind Hana and Uo as they knock on the door. Feet pound in the background and three very worried faces are suddenly where the door used to be.

"Tohru?" asks Yuki, "Are you alright?"

"Tohru!" whispers Kyou, "I'm so sorry!"

"Our little flower," says Shigure, "you're back!"

"She's fine, no thanks to you three," Uo growls, "What the heck were you thinking, telling her you loved her?"

"I know," Kyou says softly, pained, "I have no right to be in love with--"

"That isn't it," Hana says, glaring at him, "You kissed her."

"What?" Yuki is startled, "You _what?_"

"But that is not the problem," Hana continues, "You kissed her and claimed you loved her when she thought that you were just a close friend of hers. Even more, you took advantage of her trust in you for that kiss. She can't love you. Any of you. At least, she cannot be your girlfriend."

"Why… Why is that, Saki?" Shigure asked tentatively, "I, I mean, they seemed to get along so well, so I thought…"

"She cannot be your girlfriend," Hana said evenly, smiling softly, "because --"

* * *

Cliffhanger! Several alternate endings to come. 


	2. Ending A

"She cannot be your girlfriend," Hana says evenly, smiling softly, "because --"

"She's ours!" Uo says triumphantly, and she and Hana draw toward me simultaneuosly, "And we aren't gonna share!"

Shigure catches on first.

"Oh, wait, you mean-- Oh. _Oh._ I see," he smiles intently, eyeing us in a new light, "So that's why..."

"Well," I say, "Of course. Yuki and Kyou are my very best friends, and I love them dearly, but... Hana's my girlfriend."

"And mine! You're both mine too," Uo says, elbowing me, "Right, right? At least on the days Hana feels likes sharing you. Honestly, you'd never peg her for the selfish type, but there you go, right?"

Yuki and Kyou have very odd looks on their faces. But just as I think their jaws might be stuck like that, they mouth soundlessly. Maybe they didn't know...?

"Didn't you...know?"

"Umm, uhh, b-but, Tohru, I mean, Miss Honda, I thought that we were..."

Shigure finishes for Yuki with, "Your romantic interests. But, dear me, I do believe I've found some more writing material!"

SLAP! PUNCH! KICK! ZAP!

"Ah--! Sh-Shigure--!" I exclaim, shaken.

"Pervert," says everyone else.

* * *

Ugh. _Ugh_. That was **_terrible_**. But I couldn't stop typing... I'm sorry, that wasn't funny at all, now, was it? This is why I can't pull off humor... I did try, though, writer-jm-san... Sorry...


	3. Ending B

"She cannot be your girlfriend," Hana said evenly, smiling softly, "because..."

"We're super heroes," Uo said, striking a pose, "and we fight criminals on weekends. Tohru's job is a cover for us."

"I'm sorry I never told you," Tohru said, wringing her hands regretfully, "I just... I don't have enough time to be a girlfriend, Tohru, _and _Cat Woman."

There was a moment of silence as the three Sohma's stared at the three friends, jaws dropping slightly.

"Cat Woman?" Kyou asked, dumbstruck, "But, but--"

"Well, I always did love the cat from the zodiac."


	4. Ending C

"She cannot be your girlfriend," Hana said evenly, smiling softly, "because..."

"We're secret agents," Uo said, whipping out a gun and aiming it at Kyou's heart, "And now that you've uncovered our secret identities--!"

Kyou froze. A gun. The yankee had a gun. Who in the _world_ was crazy enough to sell the yankee a GUN!

"Uo, no, wait!" Tohru cried, and Kyou thought, just for a moment, that she was going to save him from the crazy blonde chick. The one with a gun. Shishou had never taught him how to deal with a gun being pointed at him in HIS OWN HOME!

But Tohru, lovely Tohru, she would save--

"You forgot your silencer!"


	5. Ending D

"She cannot be your girlfriend," Hana said evenly, smiling softly, "because..."

"I'm a man," Tohru said gently, her-- _his_ voice slipping down an octave, "I can't help it. It was a birth defect. Mom always told me that I was a beautiful little girl--"

Kyou ran out of the room, and retching could be heard outside.

"Err, I'm not that bad of a kisser, am I?" Tohru asked, then coughed and said, in his normal voice, "I mean, it was kind of surpri-- Why are you laughing, Shigure?"

"Tohru! That-- A boy's name! Ahahahaha! Kissed Kyou! Ahahaha!"

"But, then, Miss Honda-- Ah, I mean-- Tohru, why do we trans--" Yuki said, then cut himself off as he realized that Uo and Hana were still present.

"Well, you see, that--"

The rest of her answer was drowned out by Shigure's wild laughter.

How many hugs does it take to get to the animal center of a Sohma boy?

The world may never know.

* * *

Oh my-- That-- I, uhh, that is, I have no idea where these chapters came from! shifty eyes

Terrible humor, methinks. I don't know what's wrong in my head.

I really, REALLY shouldn't get bored and write things when half asleep. shakes head


End file.
